


>get off the page

by Lscholar



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, I THINK YOU WOULD ENJOY TO READ IT. AND TO GIVE ME. VARIOUS ACCOLADES AND PRAISES. FOR MY WORK., I WROTE. A FANFICTION. FOR YOU., IT IS VERY GAY.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 18:09:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18451880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lscholar/pseuds/Lscholar
Summary: Caliborn tries writing fanfiction, has a gay time, discusses metafiction, and asks John to play a game.





	>get off the page

*FICTION* IS FAKE. BUT AS AN AUTEURISTE. I MUST SUFFER FOR MY VISION OF MY FICTION IN REAL LIFE. AND NOT FAKELY. AND THIS IS MY ACCOUNT. OF THE REAL EVENTS. THAT WERE MY FAN FICTION. AS THEY OCCURRED TO ME. AND AS I MADE THEM OCCUR. ON OTHER PEOPLE. AND OF MY SUFFERING. AND OF THEIR SUFFERING. THAT I DID TO THEM.

THE STAGE IS SET. AND THE PLAYER IS ON IT. THE PLAYER IS ME. AND YOU WILL BE THE ONE. WHO IS PLAYED. LIKE A GAME THAT MAKES UNIVERSES. OR A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT. BY ME.

THIS TALE BEGINS *IN MEDIUM RES*. WHICH MEANS WE SKIP RIGHT TO THE GOOD SHIT. AND PAST ALL THE SHIT THAT IS BORING. WHICH IS MOST OF IT. ONE OF THE THINGS WE SKIPPED PAST WAS HORSES. REMEMBER THIS.

>JOHN. AWAKEN.

AND THEN. JOHN EGBERT. AWAKENED ALONE. NOBODY WAS WATCHING HIM. BUT ME.

HE DID HIS “WINDY THING”. HE WAVED HIS HAMMER AROUND. HE SCREAMED LIKE A GIRL AND THREW A TANTRUM AND DID A WHOLE LOT OF OTHER EMBARRASSING SHIT. THAT I REFUSE TO WASTE MY TIME DESCRIBING. EVEN THOUGH I HAVE ALL THE TIME IN PARADOX SPACE. IT WAS JUST SO HUMILIATING. AND PATHETIC. THAT I ENJOYED WATCHING HIM. BUT ONLY FOR A WHILE.

hey! thats not how it went!

QUIET YOU. AND THEN JOHN. PROCURED FOR HIS NEMESIS. THE CRIMSON-CHEEKED INCREDIBLY HANDSOME AND ATTRACTIVE YAOI CHERUB. WITH GREAT HASTE.

HOW COULD SUCH A PREPONDEROUSLY GIRTHY AND HANDSOME POWERFUL MAN ESCAPE MY ATTENTIONS. HE PONDERED. BECAUSE HE WAS AN IDIOT WHO DID NOT UNDERSTAND. THAT SOMETIMES. A MAN GAKA LIKE MY SELF. HAS ABILITIES BEYOND HIS PETTY UNDERSTANDING.

AND THEN HE FOUND A HUMAN CLOTH SARSWAPPAGUS WHICH DOES NOT PERFORM THE FUNCTION OF SWAPPING. HE WAS VERY TIRED. FROM BEHAVING CRUDELY. AND FROM SEEKING FOR. THE LORDLY CHERUB HE DESIRED TO HAMMER. WHO WAS ME.

its called a bed dumb ass!

WHAT KIND OF NAME IS, “A BED DUMB ASS”. THE HUMAN CLOTH SARSWAPPAGUS IS A SPLENDID DEVICE. THAT ALLOWS FOR REST AND RELAXATION. WITHOUT THE UNWELCOME REARRANGEMENT OF PERSONALITIES. TO BE FRANKLY HONEST. I CONSIDER IT AN INCREDIBLY ELEGANT SOLUTION TO A PROBLEM THAT HUMANS DONT EVEN HAVE. IT IS THE OPPOSITE OF DUMB. CALLING IT DUMB IS STUPID. YOU ARE STUPID.

no fuck you!!!

JOHN FOUND HIMSELF DRAWN TO THE BED. AS IF BY THE HAND. OF A BRILLIANT AND UNDERAPPRECIATED ARTIST. WHO WAS WATCHING HIM AND DID NOT INTEND TO FUCK HIM. BECAUSE HE WAS NOT AN ENORMOUS SERPENT EMPOWERED BY COSMIC MAGICS FOR WHICH THE HERO OF THE STORY COULD FEEL TRUE BLACK HATRED. BUT A PUNY HUMAN.

fine! only because im sleepy anyways.

JOHN LAID DOWN. HE FELT THE HUMAN SARSWAPPAGUS SOFT AND PERFECTIONALLY DESIGNED. BENEATH HIS SMOOTH LAD BODY. FOR HE WAS NOT YET A MAN.

AND I WOULD MAKE HIM INTO ONE.

i am not a homosexual!

WHAT IS A HOMOSEXUAL.

you know

NO I ACTUALLY DON’T.

uh

never mind.

LOOK. JOHN. YOU DO NOT SEEM TO UNDERSTAND. I AM GOING TO FORCIBLY TELL YOU ABOUT A STORY. MUCH LIKE THIS ONE. THAT ONCE OCCURRED. TO ME. AND IS NOW OCCURRING TO YOU. BOTH IN THE LITERARY SENSE. AND THE LITERALLARY SENSE.

mmmmph!!!!!

LONG AGO. BUT NOT SO LONG AGO ACTUALLY. I WAS EXCEEDINGLY GAY. WITH A YOUNG MAN MUCH LIKE YOURSELF. LIKE YOU HE WAS MADE OF DELICIOUS MEAT. BUT LACKED THE ABILITY TO APPRECIATE. MY OWN HARD MEAT. WHICH IS NOT MEAT BUT ACTUALLY WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL. SOME SORT OF HARD BONELIKE SUBSTANCE.

AND WHICH YOU CAN NOW FEEL PINNING YOU INTO THE BED. AND BY YOU I MEAN JOHN.

SO THIS YOUNG MAN. WITH WHOM I WAS GAY. WAS A TOTAL WIMP. AS IF HE WERE A BITCH. FOR WHOM I WAS TOO HARD. INSTEAD OF A HEARTY AND HALE YOUNG LAD.

BUT IT OCCURRED TO ME. THAT I WOULD BE THE ONE TO MAKE HIM HARD. WHILE ALSO PLANTING THE SEED’S. OF MY OWN DEFEAT. SO THAT I MIGHT RISE AGAIN. BY MEANS OF THE ALPHA MALES FLOPPY LITTLE MAN. WHICH I WOULD FILL WITH MY ESSENCE. THEREBY CREATING A FLAW IN THEIR SESSION. AND ALSO MYSELF.

THATS RIGHT. MY PLAN WAS TO GIVE HIM A BONER. AND HE GOT ONE.

YOU (YOU) THINK THE ABOVE SENTENCE LOOKS FAMILIAR. YOU THINK YOU HAVE SEEN THIS GREAT SENTENCE BEFORE, IN A DIFFERENT CONTEXT. YOU THINK YOU HAVE SEEN THIS SENTENCE BEFORE, PERHAPS IN ANOTHER FAN FICTION, WHICH WAS ALSO AUTHORED BY ME. YOU SEE. THIS IS WHAT MASTER STORY TELLERS REFER TO AS A "NONVISUAL CALLBACK". TRULY EXCEPTIONAL PROFESSIONALS OFTEN WILL TAKE SOME OLD WORDS THEY SAID. THAT SHOW A SIMILAR SITUATION. AND DO A COUPLE OF HALF ASSED THINGS. LIKE CHANGE THEM UP A LITTLE. TO MAKE IT SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT.

I HAVE ALSO DONE THIS. WITHIN MY STORY. NOTE THAT I AM DOING THE SAME THING TO THE JOHN HUMAN. AS I DID TO THE JAKE HUMAN. WHEN WE WERE GAY TOGETHER.

YOU (STILL YOU) OBSERVE THAT THIS INGENIOUS FEAT OF LAZINESS. MAKES THE REPEATED THINGS SEEM MORE PROFOUND AND MEANINGFUL THAN THEY ARE. FOR REASONS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. BECAUSE THEY DON'T EXIST. THIS IS A TRADE SECRET AMONG SKILLED ARTISANS SUCH AS I.

TELL WHOEVER YOU WANT ABOUT THIS. BECAUSE IT IS OBVIOUS. AND MEANT TO BE OBVIOUS. I HAVE DISCOVERED POST MODERN MAXIMALISM. AND THE FACT THAT BY CLOAKING MY WORDS. IN A DECEIT OF IRONY. THAT IS NOT IRONY. I CAN ACHIEVE NEW HEIGHTS OF SELF REFERENTIAL INTELLIGENCE. FOREVER. IT IS A TESTAMENT TO MY IQ 84. TO THE BLACK HOLE OF MANY COLORS THAT IS MY GRAVITY RAINBOW. YOU ARE TRAPPED IN MY INFINITE JEST.

IT JUST KEEPS HAPPENING!!!!!!

ONE MIGHT CALL THIS STYLISTICALLY DENSE AND MEANING LADEN SERIES OF CHRONICLES OF EVENTS THAT HAPPEN FOR REASONS WHILE REFERENCING OTHER EVENTS THAT HAVE HAPPENED FOR NO REASON. INTERIOR STREAMS OF CONTENTIOUSNESS, AND WORDS BEING SHOVED TOGETHER FOR JOKES.

THE. ULYSSES. OF. LITERATURE.

AND NOW. LET US RETURN. TO YOUR SUPPLE BOY FLESH. UPON THE HUMAN SARSWAPPAGUS. WHICH IS OF MUCH MORE INTEREST TO ME.

get off!

IT IS YOU, JOHN. WHO SHOULD GET OFF. OF MY BACK. WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS INTERRUPING ME JOHN. ALL I WANT TO DO. IS TO CREATE MY ART IN PEACE. BEFORE I RECEIVE THE COPIOUS ADULATION AND CURRENCY OF THE MASSES. AND MURDER YOU AND EVERYONE YOU HAVE EVER KNOWN IN EVERY TIMELINE. AND CHILL WITH MY BROS. AND HERE I AM HUMBLY WRITING IN MY FANFICTIONS. AND ALONG COMES YOU TO TELL ME TO GET OFF. I WILL MAKE YOU GET OFF. YOU WILL BE THE ONE WHO IS GETTING THE FUCK OFF. YOU ARE COMPLETELY WITHIN MY POWER. AND YOUR GETTING OFF WILL OCCUR AT MY HAND. YOU WILL GET OFF THE PAGE.

no you sick fuck he is my grandpa and also grandson!

THANK YOU. FOR THIS WONDERFUL IDEA. ART IS TRULY A COLLABORATIVE EXPERIENCE WE HAVE TOGETHER WHERE I TELL YOU TO DO THINGS AND YOU PROVIDE ME WITH INSPIRATION. BY JUST SAYING WHAT THE FUCK EVER.

AND THEN THE PAGE WAS THERE. I HAD ONE OF MY GREEN MINIONS CARRY HIM IN. THE JOURNEY OF HOW HE GOT THERE. WAS A FASCINATING TALE THAT WOULD TAKE UP ABOUT A PAGE OR SO. THAT I HAVE DEMONSTRATED MY MASTERY OVER THE NARRATIVE BY REFUSING TO WRITE. BECAUSE THE TELLING OF THAT STORY. IS FOR THE PAGE.

JOHN. IF YOU WILL NOT ENGAGE TO ROUGH HOUSING ME. IF YOU WILL NOT ENJOY THE PLEASURES OF THE BODIES OF BOYS BECOMING MEN. THEN YOU CAN HAVE IT. IN THE WAY THAT IS YOURS.

INSTEAD YOU WILL WATCH ME. AS I PROCEED TO SCHOOL YOUR HUMAN RELATION. IN THE FINE ARTS. OF MALE BONDAGE.

Aloha John! You just would not believe how muddled my life is! One minute i am getting a hands on demonstration on rope knots like a real adventurer with with my chief chum mister strider if you know what i mean and then a whole bunch of little green men with lovely soft textures kidnapped me and spirited me away to this place! Why its good to see your friendly face

hi jake. its

its good to see you too

So pray tell me what in tarnation is up with this hard dude whose head is a skull! Is that like a skulltop suit? Gosh what a fucking amazing idea!

oh man i dont even know what his deal is

JAKE. JAKE HUMAN. REMEMBER ME.

Whoa! My patron manbro! Neither hide nor hair have i heard of you for ages and furthermore though i do consider myself to be an even tempered and well mannered gent ill have you know ive been exceedingly glad of it.

Your juju was complete horseshit!

(so his deal is that hes your patron manbro?)

So what the sam fucking hill is going on?

OKAY. FIRST OF THE TIME. MY JUJU. IS NOT *HORSE SHIT*. MY JUJU WAS THE ONLY THING. THAT GOT YOU DUMBFUCKS TO GO GOD TIER. AND RESPONSIBLE FOR A GREAT AMOUNT. OF TRULY GREAT CONTENT. DID YOU NOT ENJOY. BEING PEACHY. AND CAUCASIAN.

It was a whole barrel of fun monkeys while it lasted,

SO THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU STOP. OH WAIT. I ALREADY KNOW THIS. YOU STOPPED BECAUSE YOU WERE FUCKING STUPID.

ALSO. HERE IS WHAT IS GOING ON. I AM WRITING A FAN FICTION. IN WHICH EVERYTHING GOES JUST HOW I WANT. MUCH LIKE HOW. IN NORMAL REAL LIFE. I MAKE EVERYTHING GO JUST HOW I WANT.

AND SO IN THIS FICTION. WHICH IS ALSO REALITY. THE BIG MAN. CONTAINS WITHIN HIM A STORM. AND IN THE I OF THE STORM HIS MANY POWERFUL EMOTIONS.

THE BIGGER MAN. EMERGES FROM HIS CUE BALL SHAPED HEAD. AND LAYS WASTE TO A WHOLE BUNCH OF STUPID GHOSTS AND SHIT. ALONE.

BUT SOMETIMES HE THINKS ABOUT THE YAOIS. ABOUT THE PASSIONATE ARDOR AND RED EMOTION WHICH THEY DISPLAY FOR EACH OTHER. RED IS MY COLOR. THE COLOR OF MY BOY BLOOD. GREEN IS ALSO MY COLOR. BECAUSE I STOLE IT. AND IT IS ALSO MINE BY BIRTH. AND ALL OTHER COLORS. ARE MINE. BECAUSE I WILL BEAT THEM OUT OF A STUPID CLOCK. BUT RED IS THE COLOR WHICH HAS ALWAYS BEEN MINE. EVEN MORE THAN THE ALWAYS THAT ALL THE OTHER COLORS HAVE BEEN MINE.

IT IS THE RED EMOTIONS. THAT I AM NOW WRITING. AND THAT HAVE BROUGHT YOU HERE.

I see how it is my man. So lets get this right ironed out. Youre having problems talking about your feelings and all your jeering and wanton violence and timeline shenanigans was because you didnt have a best bro to be gay with?

oh my god

You know i think i sure can help you with that! Even though you may sometimes act like a prick i like the cut of your jib which is to say the lines of your skull which is very handsome! And i cant say id be overly adverse to a prick myself.

oh. my. god.

Now howsabout you slip out of those fancy duds and into something more comfortable for the situation? *Winks and fingerguns*

THIS IS MY SKIN YOU INSENSITIVE FUCKWITTED BUFFOON.

Oh ho! Thats absolutely capital my good man! Might I say your chiseled yet slim masculine physique is positively hunky dory!

oh.

my.

god.

 

i think im gonna go.

 

Hey! Where in the dickens are you going john!

i just uh. i dont think i should be here.

Balderdash! You know john ive been wanting to meet you ever since i sent you terry kiser way back when but now youre kind of letting me down to be quite honest. as the Hero of Hope i believe in this strapping young man and his beautiful body. isnt talking it all out worth a try?

i dont know…

fine. but im not taking any of my clothes off!

ALSO NO FUCKING WAY AM I TAKING OFF MY CLOTHES. MY GOD TIER ENSEMBLE IS THE TOP OF THE LINE. GO AHEAD AND REMOVE YOUR INFERIOR GARMENTS IN A TIMELY MANNER. JOHN. AS I WILL REMOVE EVERYONE YOU CARE ABOUT FROM EXISTENCE. THAT IS TO SAY I WILL RIP THEIR SOFT HUMAN BODIES TO SHREDS. IN THE SAME WAY. WHICH IS PLEASING TO ME.

AND THEIR RED BLOOD WILL DYE MY PERFECT CLOTHING. THE EXACT SAME COLOR. WHICH IS TO SAY. THE RED. OF BLOOD. THAT THEY ARE ALREADY DIED. IN.

actually you know what? i dont think i want to talk it out with you at all. i will rip these deudly duds right off

and shove them in your stupid yelly skull mouth to make you shut up and never say anything again!!!!

JOHN HUMAN. ARE YOU. PROPOSITIONING ME.

you asshole i am going to proposition my fist into your face!!!!!!

Egad! i do believe the two of you are not mistaken as to my intentions!

WHILE I. AS THE BIGGER MAN. AM EXCEEDINGLY FLATTERED. TO RECEIVE THE ADULTULATION. OF THE SMALLER MAN. WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM. HITTING ON A KID.

well you keep ruining the lives of all my friends and being horrible and so i am going to smash your head in with a hammer!!!!!!!!!!!

John am i hearing this correctly? Wait a dang second and a half… Oh damnation have i been macking on a mere lad? Gosh golly fuck im gonna get thrown in the slammer for pederasty!

I AM ABSOLUTELY A KID. I AM ALSO ABSOLUTELY A MAN. THESE TWO STATUSES ARE NONMUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE. YOU FUCKING IDIOT. SEE. A KID. IS A CHERUB WHO DOESNT HAVE WINGS. AND I HAVE BEEN A KID FOR 413 UNITS. WHICH MAKES ME. EVEN MORE KID. AS I DID ALL THE BULLSHIT PUZZLING AND TIME STUFF.

Oh thank heavens to betsy! im innocent! My smooth legs and perfect buttocks are safe from the things that are said to occur in such places!

It occurs to me now that i have perused about it some that actually i—

AND A MAN IS A CHERUB WHO HAS PREDOMINATED. OVER HIS INFERIOR SICKENING INSUFFICIENTLY GIRTHY WHORE OF A SISTER. WHICH IS ALSO SOMETHING I HAVE DONE. THESE TWO THINGS ARE DIFFERENT IN MY CASE. OBVIOUSLY. JOHN HUMAN. I AM ACTUALLY. VERY SORRY TO TELL YOU THIS. BUT YOU CANNOT FILL THE ROLE. OF THE BITCH. IN MY LIFE. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU ATTEMPT TO ANTAGONIZE ME. WITH FUTILITY.

AT THIS POINT JOHN CONTINUED TO SCREAM INCOHERENTLY. AND FLAIL INEFFECTIVELY. AND GENERALLY MAKE A COMPLETE PATHETIC MESS OF HIMSELF. EVEN MORE SO. THAN HE USUALLY DOES. WHICH IS A WHOLE LOT. I CONTINUED WRITING. AND ALSO CIRCUMSIMULTANEOUSLY EXPERIENCING. WHICH IS EASY. FOR ME. AS THE LORD OF TIME.

THE JAKE HUMAN. IS DOING HIS BEST. BUT NEITHER CAN HE. TRULY BECOME THE BITCH. WHO IS MINE. NO HUMAN CAN ACCOMPLISH SUCH A RELATIONSHIP. A RELATIONSHIP OF GREEN. A RELATIONSHIP OF BLACK. A RELATIONSHIP OF MANY COLORS. AND OF MAYHEM. TAKING PLACE ON AN ASTRONOMICAL SCALE. WHICH WOULD TRANSFORM ME IN WAYS SENSUAL BEYOND IMAGINING. WHILE MAKING ME UTTERLY FUCKING INVINCIBLE EXCEPT TO MY COUNTERPART WHO WOULD ALSO POSSESS THE MANY COLORS.

INSTEAD I AM ONLY UTTERLY FUCKING INVINCIBLE THE NORMAL WAY.

THIS. IS MY CURSE.

IN EVERY OTHER RESPECT. WHICH IS MINE. AND OWED TO ME. I AM AT THE TOP. I HAVE SUMMITTED THE ECHELADDER. I HAVE ALL THE BADGES ON THE GOD TIER KIDDIE CAMPER HANDYSASH. WHICH IS NOT SO MUCH A PHYSICAL OBJECT. AS IT IS SOME KIND OF THING THAT DOESNT EXIST. I HAVE THE SICKEST LOOT AND MOST BAD ASS MINIONS AND NOBODY ABOVE ME LEFT TO FIGHT. NOT EVEN MY SISTER WANTS TO FIGHT. SHE IS JUST RUNNING AWAY. LIKE A COWARD. EVEN THOUGH. SHE IS ALREADY DEAD. IN MY EXTREMELY WELL EDUCATED OPINION THIS IS QUITE UNREASONABLE. BUT ALSO IN CHARACTER. I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING. MYSELF. I WILL HAVE TO FIGHT YOU. MYSELF. I WILL HAVE TO MAKE YOU FIGHTABLE. MYSELF.

BUT I FORGE THROUGH ALL OF IT.

well maybe you could leave us alone then!

YOU REALLY ARE A COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT. IF YOU HAD EVEN THE SLIGHTEST INKLING. OF THE WORKINGS OF PARADOX SPACE. OF ITS CUNNING TRICKERIES AND ARTFUL JAPERIES AND OVERELABORATE DUMBFUCKERY. YOU WOULD KNOW THAT THAT IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE IN EVERY SENSE.

(Hes sure got you there grandpopson john!)

ALSO. YUCK. EVEN IF I AM. AN ADULT. MY BODY IS THE BODY. OF A PREPREDOMINATING CHERUB. AND WILL REMAIN SO. UNTIL I BECOME PART SWEATY HORSE MAN COMPUTER CLOWN. AND GET TOTALLY RIPPED.

(what the fuck?)

SO YOUR ACTIONS. JAKE. ARE STILL REPREHENSIBLE. AND DISGUSTING. TO ME. WHEN I EMERGE. INTO MY ASTRONOMICAL MATING FORM. THEN YOU MAY ATTEMPT TO HIT ON ME. AND FOR YOUR TROUBLES BE PULVERIZED WITHOUT MY SO MUCH AS ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR EXISTENCE.

Aw geez! Im not equipped for this! I just thought you wanted to, you know, have a go at me.

(is)

(is jake a)

I DO WANT TO HAVE A GO AT YOU. IT IS MY MOST FERVENT DESIRE TO HAVE A GO AT YOU. THAT IS THE REASON WHY I AM BEING GAY WITH YOU, AND WHY I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN GAY WITH YOU. TO STIFFEN YOU UP SO THAT YOU ARE HARD FOR ME. AND MAKE YOU INTO A WORTHY PARTNER IN THE MANLY ACTIONS WE ARE DESTINED TO ONE DAY UNDERGO OR THAT WE HAVE ALREADY UNDERGONE. OR SOMETHING.

NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP SO THAT I CAN TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS.

Talk about mixed signals. Well I guess talking about feelings is pretty gay…

But I dont get how its supposed to make me into a man!

(Hehe)

(hehe)

THATS BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKHEAD. ALL THAT IS IN YOUR HUMAN HEAD. IS HUMAN FUCKING. YOU ARE NOT GAY. AT ALL. TO ME. YOU ONLY ACCEPTED. THE GIFT OF MY JUJU. WHICH I DID EASILY. LIKE GIVING CANDY. TO A BABY. BECAUSE YOU DESIRED TO ENACT YOUR RED FEELINGS. UPON ME. BUT NOT THE RED FEELINGS. OF BLOOD. I AM TALKING ABOUT THE RED FEELINGS. THAT YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS WHATSOEVER. FORCING UPON A CHILD. OR ANYBODY. YOU SICK PERVERT.

(says the guy who was drawing all that weird porn!)

INSTEAD. YOU WERE THE ONE. WHO BY TAKING THE CANDY. GAVE THE CANDY TO ME THE CHILD. THE CANDY OF SELF DEFEAT. IN HOPES OF. EMOTIONAL INTIMACY.

Ugh this is how it always happens! All Dirk wants to do is prattle incessantly about his feelings at me!

WELL IF YOU WANT TO BE A GAY BRO YOU WILL JUST SIT THERE AND TAKE IT.

(uh.)

No!

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL ME NO. YOU SHIT ASSED FUCK. YOU ARE BUT THE PAGE. TO THE STORY OF ME. I AM NOT. A GENTLE MAN. AND YET. MY GAY GENTLEMANLINESS. IS HIGHER. THAN YOURS COULD EVER. HOPE TO BE. ARE YOUR EYES. TO BE FILLED WITH RAINBOW MAGYYKS. ARE YOUR HANDS. THE HANDS OF *HOMOSUCK*. ARE YOUR HUMAN LIPS. THE ORALFICE. FROM WHICH ISSUES FORTH. THE ENDLESS STREAM. OF DELICATE YET STRONG. AND STRONG YET DELICATE. MANLY TOUCHING. AND THE CONTENT. OF SEME AND UKE. OF THOSE FEELINGS BETWEEN MEN. WHICH ARE INFINITELY DESIRED. BY BITCHES. AND RIGHTFULLY SO?

FUCK NO.

Fuck yes they sure as tootin are!

what.

(uh okay)

I said *fuck yes* they goddamn as tootin as hell are! You see youve not been the only one who has come to be engaged in fine artistic pursuits! Thats right ive been talking with the auto responder who is also now half weird sweaty horse alien about art. And what he told me is that art is something that comes from HOPE. And from BELIEVING IN YOURSELF. So i sat myself right down and i made some art of my own of all of us being gay in bed that just came true right now so i am just as gay a bro as you if not gayer! Because i have more bros and im gay with them all!

I AM THE ONE WHO IS GAY WITH YOU. IT IS MY FEELINGS AND NOT YOURS WHICH ARE BEING DISCUSSED HERE. ALSO MY ART IS SUBLIME AND YOURS LOOKS LIKE A TODDLER WITH BRAIN DAMAGE AND NO ARMS DREW IT. WITH FEET.

(i uh)

And i am the one who told you about what being a gay bro means. It means always being excellent to each other no matter what! Maybe its true that being a gay bro involves more than a small measure of having to sit there and take it but it also means that you have to give it as well you know!!!!!!!!

YOU FOOL. IT IS THE QUANTITY. DIVIDED BY THE QUALITY. OF DUDES. AND MEN. THAT DETERMINES. THE QUOTIENT. OF GAY BRO.

(ill be going now…)

WHY CAN YOU NOT JUST DO THIS FOR ME. WHY CAN YOU NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO MY PROBLEMS. WHICH ARE MANY. AND MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOURS.

IT IS MY FEVERED. GIFT TO YOU. FOR AS I GAYLY. MAKE YOU HARD. IT IS THE CASE. THAT I SHOULD MASSAGE YOUR HARDNESS ALSO. TO MAKE YOU SOFT. AS I THE LORD DOUJINSHI YAOI RAIN MY FEELINGS DOWN. FOR YOU GROVELING BRAIN DEAD MONKEYS TO INCREASE IN YAOI POWER.

JOHN HUMAN. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING.

well i was going to beat the shit out of you

and i still want to

but this is getting kind of uncomfortable.

NO SHIT. FOR YOU. BECAUSE YOU ARE UNABLE TO ACCEPT YOUR FEELINGS

my feelings.

YES. WHY ARE YOU REPEATING THOSE WORDS I JUST SAID. OH RIGHT. IT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE INCAPABLE TO UNDERSTANDING ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ANYTHING WITHOUT ME. TO MAKE YOU.

FOR BY ACCEPTING YOUR FEELINGS. AND EXPRESSING THEM. FOR ONE ANOTHER. YOU WILL STOP WASTING MY VALUABLE TIME DOING USELESS SHIT LIKE REPEATEDLY PUTTING THE EXACT SAME STUFFED ANIMAL INTO A CONTAINER. FOR NO DISCERNABLE REASON.

For petes sake you have to increase yourself in yowie power too!

AND IN THAT MOMENT. I HAD ENLIGHTENED.

BECAUSE. I REALIZED. THAT THE SOFTNESS OF THE YAOIS. COULD ALSO APPLY. TO ME. THAT I HAD BEEN HOLDING MYSELF APART. FROM THE ART THAT WAS MINE. FOR IT IS THE TRUTH. THAT WHEN THE SENPAIS HAVE KAWAII THAT I WAS ALSO. MYSELF. KAWAII.

OF COURSE I HAD ALREADY HERE. WHICH MY INCREDIBLE ART SKILLS HAD PRODUCED. THE FORM MOST DIVINE. OF THE BIG MAN. ME. WHICH OF COURSE DESERVES ANOTHER GOD DAMN. FOR THE MANSCENDANT PERFECTION. OF HIS GLORIOUSLY MASCULINE. YET BY BOYMANGA SCIENCES. ALSO FEMININE. FORM.

GOD DAMN.

BUT MY PERFECT SELF. WAS NOT INSERTED. FOR HE HAD BARELY ANY CONNECTION. TO THE UTTER FAILURES WHO WERE FUCKING AROUND.

FOR ONLY ONCE. HAD ONE OF THEM APPEARED TO HIM. TO SOLICIT HIM. TSUNDERELY.

IN OTHER WORDS. I ATTAINED. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.

AND THEN. WE HAD A FEELINGS JAM. SO FILTHY. THAT IT DOES NOT BEHOOVE ME. TO DESCRIBE IT HERE. OUT OF RESPECT FOR PRIVACY. AND ALSO OUT OF PURE WRITING SKILL. WHICH WILL ALLOW YOU. MY AUDIENCE. TO IMAGINE IT ON YOUR OWN. SUCH IS MY INCREDIBLE ARTISTRIES. THAT I DO NOT EVEN HAVE TO TELL THIS STORY IN ORDER FOR ME TO CREATE IT.

THIS SPACE IS RESERVED FOR THE THUNDEROUS CRASHES OF YOUR INCREDULOUS APPLAUSE. AT HOW GOOD I AM. AT THIS.

AFTER I WAS DONE LISTENING TO JAKES BORING AND POINTLESS DIATRIBULATION. ABOUT THE TENDER TOUCHES THAT HE GAVE. TO THE ALPHA MALE. AND THE INCREDIBLE PERVERSION. OF THE TOUCHING OF FACES. AND HOLDING OF HANDS. OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP. AND OF THE PROBLEMS THAT THEY WERE HAVING. AND YET WERE DETERMINED TO WORK OUT. OF THE WAY THAT THE ALPHA MALE HAD SOLICITED JAKE. BY MEANS OF ROBOT. AND THE VILE MIX OF RED AND BLACK FEELINGS THEREIN. IN COMBAT FOR THE REASON OF BROSHIP. WITHOUT THE INTENT OF HURTING ANYONE. AND WITH THE ABSOLUTELY SICK AND DEPRAVED APPLICATION AFTERWARDS. OF BANDAGES TO CUTS AND SCRAPES.

AND OF THE PUPPET. WHICH BY THIS TIME I KNEW. WAS MINE. AS MUCH AS IT WAS THE ALPHA MALES. FOR IT WAS THE BONER WE BOTH SHARED.

AFTER I HAD LISTENED TO THESE THINGS. WITH NO INTEREST. BUT ACTUALLY WITH RAPT FASCINATION. BECAUSE I TOO CAN BE SENSITIVE AND VULNERABLE. AS WELL AS MURDEROUS. AT THE SAME TIME. WHICH IS CALLED TSUNDERE. AND IS THE MARKER OF A CRAFT’S MAN. WHO HAS MASTERED THE GIJINKA UWUS. IN ACTUAL FORM.

IT WAS TIME TO TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS.

hey what about me!!!! i watched everyone die and stuff!

it was really heavy

im not sure i want to talk about it actually

never mind

AND JOHNS ISSUES WERE AS USUAL A TREMENDOUS WASTE OF TIME.

THEN AS I TOLD TO YOU CHUMPS IT WAS MY TURN.

AND I SAID. WHILE MAKING A TRANSITION. BETWEEN TALKING TO THE CAMERA BUT ON THE PAGE. TO TALKING ON WHAT MIGHT BE CONSIDERED SOMETHING LIKE A CAMERA. THAT WAS ON THE PAGE. SO SMOOTHLY ON TO IT. THAT IT WAS UNDETECTABLE.

I SAID. I AM FEELING SAD ABOUT MY SISTER.

Sir! Sir i am tiffed! Look im not saying that i dont like women. or dont not like women. Thats kind of complicated because i keep getting made to voice massive ejaculations and be a concubine and such. But im sure you can understand why my feathers are all kerfluffled. The first rule of bros is you don’t bring up girls in a gay bro bed cuddle which i say is for and about male dudes of a masculine persuasion who also prefer such!

WELL WHERE THE FUCK ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT THIS THEN.

(he kind of has a point. its not like anyone else wants anything to do with him.)

(Why are you still here? I would have bet dollars to donuts that you werent interested in our man time!)

(i am just waiting for him to let his guard down)

(I wont stand for such a dishonorable abuse of boylad togetherness)

(do you think that i want to hit this guy? i am waiting for him to let his guard down. so that i can give him a hug. obviously. and my fists are just clenched from dude bro manliness and not from preparing to smack him at all. maybe getting him to talk about stuff will reveal his secret weakness. so that i can jump on him with a soft caress!)

(Why thats absolutely tiptop that you should come around so fast john! Youre really in the gay spirit!)

SO AS I WAS SAYING. BEFORE I WAS SO RUDELY INTERRUPTED. AND EXPOSING. MY BISHIE FACE. AND RED CHEEKS. AND LIDLESS EYES. SO LIKE THOSE. OF THE ANIMES WHICH BLESS OVER ME.

A LONG TIME AGO I SHARED THIS BODY WITH MY SISTER. WHO DID EVERYTHING SHE COULD TO MAKE ME MISERABLE.

Werent you always chewing the fat about how you were going to kill her?

YES. BUT SHE WAS MURDERED BY JACK. WHO I MURDERED. AND SO I HAVE MURDERED MY SISTER AT PROXY. AND ALSO WITH PROXY. BECAUSE I HAD JACK KILL HER. BUT I HAVE NOT ACTUALLY KILLED HER. YET.

but isnt she dead?

YES. AND SO HER GHOST. PLURAL MAYBE. IS HIDING IN THE FURTHEST RING.

so you are going to find her and apologize like a good bro or what ever?

YES. I AM GOING TO APOLOGIZE FOR NOT KILLING HER MYSELF WITH MY HANDS. WHICH WAS IMPOSSIBLE BUT I STILL WANTED TO. AND THEN I AM GOING TO MURDER HER GHOST. PERSONALLY.

Wait what the dickens? Murder her ghost?

YES. MURDER HER GHOST TO DOUBLE DEATH. GOD THATS SO STUPID. I CANT BELIEVE ITS A THING.

yeah that sounds really dumb

Why in my opinion it seems positively superfluous flimflam! But i say it is certainly not superfluous flimflam that we have all finally agreed upon some point of interest.

is that it though? didnt we already know that was like, your big secret thing? and who cares about ghosts anyways. show some real weakness. what horrible thing happened to you to make you like this? why are you doing all these gross weird things to shitty versions of my friends, and also to my real friends somehow? what is your problem?????

Aw john untwist your knickers.

YOU ALREADY DECOVERED. MY SECRET TRAUMA. OF THE KILLING OF MY SISTER. AND HOW BAD IT MADE ME FEEL. FOR HAVING TO USE SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT. DOES THERE HAVE TO BE SOMETHING. DEEPER TO ME. AND MY DESIRE TO BUST A GHOST.

well i dont know how to find a cherub ghost

WELL. IF YOU ARE OWNING. PSYCHEDELIC GOD CLOCK POWERS LIKE ME. ALONG WITH A WHOLE LOT OF GHOSTS WHO ARE SCRUBS. IN COMBAT. THEN YOU RIP HOLES IN REALITY ITSELF. WITH YOUR SWOLLEN MAN GIRTH. IN THE FURTHEST RING. WHILE CHASING AFTER HER.

but like how would i find her before you?

JOHN. I THINK YOU ARE MISLISTENING TO ME. YOU CANNOT GET TO HER BEFORE I DO. EVEN TO GIVE HER TO ME AS A PRESENT. BECAUSE I AM THE PRESENT. AND ALL OTHER TIMES. I AM ALREADY THERE. JUST AS I AM HERE NOW. I WILL BE THERE. BUT THEN.

WHICH IS TO SAY IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN IT FUCKING HAPPENS. WHICH IS WHEN I SAY IT WILL.

okay ok sure

do you have any other weaknesses?

JOHN WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU TAKE ME FOR. DO YOU THINK THAT I AM THE KIND OF GUY. WHO WILL JUST HAND OVER. A CRITICAL EXPLOIT. FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF HIMSELF. WHEN ASKED. WITHOUT A LITTLE SOMETHING IN EXCHANGE.

JOHN. WOULD YOU LIKE. TO PLAY A GAME?

not really.

AS THE LORD OF TIME. IT IS MY UNDERSTANDING. OF THINGS THAT HAPPEN BECAUSE OF ME.

uh huh.

AND THAT IS THAT. I AM THE REASON THAT EVERYTHING HAPPENS. TO YOU. AND THAT YOU ARE ALWAYS GOING TO FLAIL UP ON ME. WITH YOUR SOFT AND DELICATE HUMAN HANDS.

yeah i guess so.

AND SO. I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU A PRESENT. TO GIVE. TO ME. BECAUSE IT WAS PUT THERE. BY YOU. TO CLOSE A SIMPLE LITTLE LOOP. THAT WILL ALSO MAKE ME INTO ME. BECAUSE WITHOUT ME WHO ARE YOU EVEN GOING TO ATTACK AGAINST. FOR ALL THE THINGS WHICH I HAD DONE. OR NOT DONE. BECAUSE OF YOU. THINKING ABOUT THIS STUFF MAKES MY HEAD HURT ACTUALLY.

okay

IN ORDER FOR THE LITTLE WHITE CUCK BALL. OF LIMITED OMNISCIENCES. TO COME INTO EXISTENCE. I WILL NEED TO BREAK THE CLOCK. AND IN ORDER FOR THAT TO HAPPEN. YOU WILL NEED TO GIVE ME. THIS.

what is that

IT SAYS LEARNING WITH MANGA RIGHT ON THE FRONT YOU IMBECILE FUCKER.

uh ok

BUT I HAVE TORN ALL THE PAGES OUT. AND SCATTERED THEM. THROUGHOUT TIME. AND ALSO SPACE. WITH MY FIRST GUARDIAN POWERS THAT EVERYONE SEEMS TO FORGET I HAVE.

SO UNLESS IT IS THE CASE. THAT YOU CAN TRACK DOWN EACH OF EVERY ONE. MANY OF WHICH I HAVE DESTROYED. YOU WILL NEED TO WRITE THIS BOOK YOURSELF.

AND SO I TOO. AM COMPLICIT IN YOU. AS YOU ARE COMPLICITED. WITH ME. IT IS LIKE THE MEETING. OF TWO MASSIVE ALL POWERFUL GREEN ASTRONOMICAL UNITS. BODIES PULSING WITH SEXUAL FEVER.

NOW GET FUCKING GOING.

I SAID. AND THEN I CLOSED THE BOOK. ON THE PAGE. AND ON THE HEIR. WHICH I HAD RIPPED FROM HIM OR WOULD. WHILE HE WAS THROWING A TANTRUM. AND THAT IS MY BOOK MARK.

AND THEY SAID NO MORE THINGS BECAUSE. I HAD CLOSED THE STORY ON THEM! TRAPPING THEM WITHIN THE WORK OF ART I HAD CREATED! WHICH HAD HORSES INSIDE IT. HOW IRONIC. NOW THAT IS THE MOST POWERFUL WAY TO END A STORY.

PLEASE LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE. TO MY INCREDIBLE ARTISTIC ABILITY.

THE END. WHICH IS THE BEGINNING.

**Author's Note:**

> happy 413


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